It Does Not Mean You Do Not Care!

The Qur'an warns strictly of the care facilities that one has to provide for their parents, especially as they move on to the old sensitive age. This includes financial support, shelter, medical facilities, continuing education (especially religious education), a sense of belonging and plenty of love and care. Sounds like taking care of your new-born does it not? As my husband says, as we grow older, we tend to grow younger - not in a good way but physically, mentally and socially we are unable to do most of the things we were able to do when young. Sounds about right, does it not.

Most Muslim families have their parents live with them once they reach a certain age - it is an honourable thing to do, to take care of your parents - should anything happen to them, at least you are there and readily available to jump to their needs.

I once spoke of this to a non-Muslim friend who was having difficulties coping with her grouchy, diabetic and extremely stubborn grandfather who was spending his cranky days terrorising her working mother, instead of his own son. She was so flabberghasted that she wanted to shift him off to a home. Our Muslim friend disagreed, saying that it was their duty to take care of him, regardless of his attitude.

When they finally asked me what I thought, they were shocked to know I sided with my non-Muslim friend. My opinion was this, both his son and daughter-in-law worked long hours, and the 6 grandchildren who stayed with him either worked like their parents or were studying vigorously in school / university. He was left at home everyday, with a maid who did not speak the same language. He had a strict diet that he refused to follow and was generally grouchy and temperamental.

What he needed was this - a place to socialise with plenty of cheerful peers, avenues to exercise, medical care provided by personnel he could not bully and he needed to get out of the house. This was for his own good as well as the family's.

Personally, I think care homes are good for the elderly, all for the reasons above. At this age, they are free from any burdens of cooking and cleaning and working in general and they should be allowed to kick with buddies of their generation with a glass of milk and diabetic cookies, do some light exercise in the park and have professional people look after them. They should also be given their own time to reflect on life and read the Qur'an as often as they like. I'm not saying we should discard them completely - if it is possible for them to come home and sleep at home, then by all means, pick them up after work. The point is, they would not be alone at home during the day. It can be lonely for them, and sometimes depressing if everyone is rushing about, in and out of work, school, clubs, sporting activities, music classes. It happens - life goes on for the next generation and it is within their duties to make the best of their lives too.

Loving your parents does not mean you have to keep them bottled up in the living room the whole day - it is much like your children, you have to let them off to pre-school one day, just for the sake of getting up and about, out the house and learning something new in this unlimited world of wisdom. It is also a time for them to make friends and talk to other people. The elderly need that too, especially if a spouse has passed on - moping around at home can lead them down memory lane's more painful trips.

If you are concerned about sending your parents off to care homes as you should be, take time to do some research on the different types of care available. If you parents have conditions such as diabetes, high blood pressure, take time to look around for care-providers that will help them with their medication. Check if you can send your parents to homes for day-care only, much like pre-school, if you do not want them lodging there permanently. Also ask about the activities they arrange - like exercise and other social activities that will benefit your parents. If keeps the mind and body fit at all times. If you still have qualms about homes, you may want to consider bringing care into your home - that is also a viable option, though without the social aspect.

If you are living in the UK, bettercaring provides a whole list of caring homes for the elderly, that way you would be able to contact them directly and even pay them a visit, with your parents to check out their facilities and meet their people. It would be worth a search, in my mind.

Most homes provided that. Bettercaring will help you with all your questions if you are looking for options that will help your parents through their later years of their lives. They should happy years and they deserve that - it is part of caring for them.

I don't think my friend ever desposited her granddad into a home - as she put it. The facilities do not really exist in Asia, and besides the norm would be to keep your parents in your own home. I know many Muslim families here though feel there is a need to change. My mum-in-law mentioned that a few friends of hers put their heads together and rented a small house for all their parents to stay together. There they set up all the facilities for them to live comfortably and hired an Ustaz (religious teacher) to sit with them and read the Qur'an and tell them religious stories - just to remind themselves of the importance of being a Muslim. On the weekends, after five days of activities and pot-luck meals, they all return home to their families with a bundle of stories of their own to share with their kids and grandkids.